Beware. Be aware. The first profound mistake is usually when you make your first commitment to share your life with another human being. Intense romantic and sexual love produces illusions of paradise and clouds our minds, so we don’t perceive problems, or we assume that love will cure them. It does not! The mind- and mood-altering compounds produced by our brains by romantic love are as powerful as heroin and more addicting than chocolate.
You cannot help who you fall in love with. It’s not a logical choice. It is a choice shaped by the patterns of love engraved in our unconscious mind by our parents and occasionally by our siblings (most commonly the patterning by our mothers). We are very likely to fall in love with someone with mother’s good and/or bad traits. We are also likely to have those very same traits within us.
Romantic love breaks down in 6-9 months, or at most in 2-3 years. The Darwinian psychologists believe that this is nature’s way of keeping parents together at least until the inevitable children can get around on their own two feet.
When the cloud of romance evaporates with time and the vicissitudes of living together, the reaction is rarely a logical, “Oh, you’re not the way I thought you were; let me see if the balance is favorable (or not).” The reaction is usually hurt and anger, “You are not the way you seemed to be. You have BETRAYED ME.”
Often one half of a pair changes, matures, and their partner does not.
The female half of one couple I worked with, after a romantic interlude, made a marriage commitment. She rapidly deteriorated into a severe depression and spent most of her time in bed watching soap operas. Her husband was a wonderful carer and indulged her crippling dependency.
After 18 months of this comfortable, kind and loving relationship, she sought and was helped by intensive psychotherapy. She became strong, energetic, and wanted an emotionally communicating, sharing relationship of equals.
Her partner had a deep fear of being controlled as he had been by his powerful mother. Without conscious control, he descended into hurtful behavior and conversation, even at times shutting down his humanity so that he seemed as though made of flexible plastic, not flesh and blood. Their divorce, despite the love they shared, was inevitable.
I estimate your chances of having a mature, happy, deep love with your partner are probably no better than 12-15%. Perhaps 25% of committed unions will end up adequate but not outstanding experiences. The rest of us are probably in various states of misery.
After a traumatic failure, if you are unwilling to risk the possibility of a fulfilling, mature love based on realistic knowing of your partner (hopefully with greater wisdom), your life is half dead.
destroyer of love
Angels play. Fairies play. Children play. As adults your play together in love restores joy and aligns the spirit with the joyous dance of angels, the joyous dance of fairies, the joyous dance of children. As adults on this Earth there is much to learn, much labor to perform, long journeys to travel, a gray and bleak journey without the lightness and colour of joy, without the dance of joy. It is a dance of joy whose platform is the true knowing of the other. As the dance becomes contaminated with illusion, illusion that in partnership the journey is completed, the individual passage to Light no longer needed, the platform shimmers in iridescent decay and crumbles to emptiness, torture, suffering. Play, dance, children, in the knowing, the true knowing, of each other.
from At the Centre of Time, © 2012 Harvey R Wasserman